Sunny-Day Garb

These broads don't sweat--they shimmer.

I am a Pale Person. Not in that elegant, alabaster manner that suggests a Victorian-style life of leisure, luxury, and bitching and moaning (lookin at you, Lady Mary). More like freckled, prone to blistering sunburns, vacillating between the extremes of ghostly and tomato. Once, in Rome, a local stared at my arms and asked if I had some kind of disease. I was "white white white"--the palest person he'd ever seen. (Rude.)

All covered up at home. 

So, as a Pale Person, I am intimately acquainted with zinc oxide, SPF 80 (year-round, suckers!), and a good gazebo or tent. But as my dermatologist always says, slathering on sunscreen isn't sufficient protection against the sun's rays--especially if your melanin is MIA. Here are some pretty ways to cover up.

Parasol

39" oil paper  & bamboo parasols; $8.50; Pearl River

I'll be honest: I don't know how effective these are against UV rays. But it can't hurt...unless you slay onlookers with your cuteness.

Floppy Hat

No. (I know, it's adorable. But no.)

Yes! A savvier choice. Dress it up with some ribbon or a brooch.  Straw hat; $34; jcrew.com

The ultimate tool in my anti-sunburn arsenal. A good wide-brimmed hat keeps your cheeks from baking. Fedoras may be cool, but you'll be singing the blues when yours gets smushed in your suitcase. (This is why we can't have nice things.) Opt for one that folds flat, and it won't matter if it gets crushed.

Sunglasses

Snazzy shades; $16.99; target.com

Because, obviously. I think it's silly to invest in a fancy pair: they'll just get cracked, smudged, or lost. (Or, in the case of my beloved ombré aviators--pink and orange--sat on. RIP) Target shills funky varieties--just check the label to make sure they're actually functional.

UV Clothes

3/4 sleeve crewneck; $7.90; Uniqlo

I don't know, you guys. Apparently this is a thing. Uniqlo makes good jeans, so I guess I trust them? But I'm not totally sold. How does this work? I have no clue. It claims to filter out 90% of harmful rays. Seems a teeny bit suspicious. But since you have to wear clothes anyway, you might as well give these a try (unless you spend all summer at a nudist camp, in which case, just wear an extra-wide hat, I guess?). 

Happy June, kids! Don't go tanning!